ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
