Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
