I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
