His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
