jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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