I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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