Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
