took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
