I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
