The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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