does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I will be naked everywhere
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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