She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
