thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
