if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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