omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
