I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
