Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
