Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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