Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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