my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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