so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
