Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
