I wish I could punch you in the face.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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