Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
