my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
