Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
