my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
