I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
