I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
