Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
