If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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