Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
