shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
