I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
