I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
