did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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