Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
