How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
