First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
