i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
