I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
