my phone needs a breathalizer
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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