i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
