my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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