Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
