she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
