I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
