It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
