Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
