i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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