??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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